Message from ICA: 你是在傾聽還是在重新準備攻擊?

(English original below)
作者: Russell Bishop, July 18, 2010

我認為處在這急於辯論與抱持異議的時代，我們已經失去了傾聽的藝術。
我指得是真心想了解對方的傾聽，不是為了同意或反對的傾聽，是純粹為了瞭解而傾聽。

「你是真的在傾聽，還是在準備接下來要說甚麼？」有人曾說：「美國人(舉例)沒有在傾聽，而是在重新準備好可以去攻擊。」唉喲！這可完全道出了一種近來越來越流行的溝通方式。

你曾經是對上某個上過「有效溝通」課程的人的被害者嗎？他們可以看著你的眼睛、身體微微前傾、偶爾拋出一句「我知道」並且讓每一種外在表現傳達出他的全神關注。他們可能還會簡要重述或甚至逐字覆誦你說過的話。

我指的不是以聆聽為目的和自己發言前先簡要重述的人；而是那種「惡意聆聽」成精的人。惡意聆聽者相當擅長帶著一種不同動機去聆聽。這種人的傾聽是為了要證明你是錯的，並用你的字眼來陳述他們的論點。他們可以引述你的說詞(「你剛剛說…」)並立刻附上他的回應、反駁和證明你有多麼荒謬的卑鄙論點。事實上，他們非常擅長「重新裝上子彈，準備攻擊」!

這種聆聽法事實上根本沒有聆聽之實。他們覆述你說的話卻完全沒有了解你的本意。他們可以超乎想像地善於你說出來的話來反對你。他們可能聽到了你的字，但卻沒聽見你的意思。

傾聽的真義與對方用的字眼無關，而是和想傳遞的訊息和意思有關。以了解對方為目的而傾聽與為證明某個論點、挑起爭端、辯贏對方來傾聽是完全不同的。

哲學家暨神學家保羅‧田立克(Paul Tillich)寫道： 「愛的第一任務就是傾聽」。我的一位老師這麼說：「傾聽是關愛的最高形式之一」。想像一下，如果是出自於真愛與關懷的一次對談或甚至是一次爭執會是甚麼樣子?至少有足夠的關懷到真正地了解對方。

人們常說，所有人際之間的問題其實都是溝通的問題。而溝通問題的最大問題就在太多人認為溝通就是他們需要說得更多!

我們一定都聽說過：先傾聽，再求表達；加入你的想法前先重述對方說的話；別插嘴。而這些做法其實起不了改善的作用。

我，也不例外，費了許多心力在教人們所有主動式傾聽的技巧，包括無條件的正面關懷道如何重述和尋求雙方共同的理解。

我懷疑傾聽問題的部分原因來自於我們教育與商業界不斷強調表達、主張自身觀點與辯解自己立場的能力。如果我們被養成要去強有力地表達自己的觀點，那大多數人則學習到不是為了瞭解他人而傾聽，而是為提出反對意見而傾聽。

以了解對方為出發點的傾聽和為了辯解而傾聽的對話有很大的不同。我們都遇到過純粹為了反對你想法為目的的傾聽，就算對方根本沒有建議可提。對這些人而言，對話的目的甚至也不是為了一場精采的辯論，而是懷疑別人、從他們的邏輯中找出漏洞或練就挑錯的能力而展現自己的優越。

當你傾聽時，試著不去思考自己需要回應甚麼。如果你非得想出甚麼來說的話，試著用能鼓勵對方跟你分享與該主題相關更多內容的問題，還有，特別是背後更深層的意義和價值。一場有深層意義或價值基礎的討論可能會比只是快嘴快答和用自己的意思去表達別人的話來得更能照亮人心。

如果你關心對方，盡你所能展現你的能力去了解對方想傳達的真意，而非僅限字面意義。以下是三個我喜歡的與傾聽相關的名言：

「說話是知識的領域，而傾聽卻是智慧的高度展現。」-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

「好的傾聽者試著了解對方的意思。最後他可能激烈反對，但因為他反對，他更想完全了解他反對的是甚麼。」-- Kenneth A. Wells

「站起來表達自己需要的是勇氣；坐下來傾聽也需要勇氣。」-- Winston Churchill

想提出您的看法嗎? 我會聽的!

Russell Bishop 是在加州Santa Barbara的一位教育心理學家、作家、高階主管教練與管理顧問. http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com Russell@lessonsinthekeyoflife.com

via ICA via Huffington Post


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Are You Listening Or Just Reloading? By Russell Bishop, July 18, 2010

I think in our rush to argue and dissent these days, we have lost the art of listening.
By that, I mean listening to truly understand the other person,
not listening to agree or disagree, but simply listening to understand.

"Are you listening, or just preparing to speak." Someone said: "Americans (for example) aren't listening, they're just reloading." Ouch! That certainly does describe one kind of communication that seems to be increasingly popular these days.

Have you ever been the victim of someone who has been through "effective communications" courses? They can make eye contact, lean forward, toss in the occasional "I see" and make every outward appearance of actually being attentive. They might also paraphrase or even repeat verbatim what is that you have said.

I am not referring to the person who is seeking to listen and to paraphrase before carrying on themselves; but rather about the person who has become highly skilled at "malicious listening." The malicious listener has mastered the art of listening with a different motive. This person listens to prove you wrong and uses your own words to make their case. They can quote you ("you said . . . .") and quickly follow with a retort, rejoinder, or snide comment about how wrong you are. Indeed, they are skillful at "reloading."

With this kind of listening very little actual listening actually takes place. They repeat back what you said and completely miss the message. They can be incredibly adept at using your words against you. They may hear your words, but they surely don't hear you.

The real point of listening has little to do with what words the other person used, and everything to do with the underlying message or meaning. Listening to understand is quite different from listening to prove a point, pick a fight, or win an argument.

Paul Tillich, the philosopher and theologian wrote: "The first duty of love is to listen." A teacher of mine put it this way: "listening is one of the highest forms of caring." Imagine what a conversation or even a disagreement might be like if based on loving and caring - at least caring enough to truly understand the other person.

It is said that all relationship problems are really communication problems. The problem with communication problems is that too many people think communication means they need to say more.

We've all heard the drill: listen first, speak second; paraphrase before adding your own thoughts; don't interrupt. And very little of this makes any real difference.

I, too, spent a lot of time trying to teach people all the various active listening skills including unconditional positive regard over to how to paraphrase and seek mutual understanding.

I suspect that part of the listening problem stems from how much emphasis we place in school as well as in business on the ability to make a point, to advocate a point of view, to argue for a position. If we have been trained in the art of making a strong case for our point of view, many of us then may have learned to listen not so much to understand the other as to be able to offer a counter argument.

There is quite a big difference between conversing with someone who is listening to understand what you have to say and someone who is listening to argue. We have all experienced the person who listens solely for the purpose of countering whatever you have to say, even without having a point of their own to offer. For these folks, the main point of conversation isn't even about a good debate; it is more about discrediting the other, finding holes in their logic, or otherwise appearing superior through the ability to find fault.

Try listening without forming any responses while the other person speaks. If you need to think of anything to say, try thinking of a question that encourages the person to share with you more of their thoughts on the subject, and, in particular, what the underlying meaning or value might be. A meaning or values-based discussion can be quite a bit more illuminating than one based on quick retorts and the ability to pin the other person down with their own words.

If you care for the other person, do your best to demonstrate that caring by your ability to understand what they mean, not just what they are saying. Three more of my favorite quotes on listening:

"It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen."

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with." -- Kenneth A. Wells

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -- Winston Churchill

Russell Bishop is an Educational Psychologist, author, executive coach and management consultant, based in Santa Barbara California. http://www.lessonsinthekeyoflife.com Russell@lessonsinthekeyoflife.com